Sunday, August 14, 2016

And if you go, no one may follow. That path is for your steps alone*

In the past two weeks, I've applied for about 10 jobs.

Wait, what?

Yes, I'm on the hunt again. Gratefully with a job while I look for a job. Having determined that the current gig won't let me relocate to our Bay Area office, I've made the tough decision that being back in SF is more important than this job, so I'm looking to move on.

This is not the decision I wanted to make this summer, but, in the same way that I didn't want to move in with a housemate, it's a decision that's for the best. It's 110* here this month, with air like pea soup and heat so hot that it's hard to go outside. My asthma is raging and it's hard to walk Posey. And, honestly, it's so brutally hot that Posey doesn't really want to be outside.

We are sad San Franciscans wilting in the sun and heat. Please send fog! Or better yet, send us back to the fog. We're easy to transport, and we'd be eternally grateful.

*It's Jerry Day in San Francisco, and I am grateful for the San Francisco DJ who brought a little bit of the Grateful Dead to my radio stream this morning.

Sunday, July 10, 2016


I've been information gathering about moving to San Francisco with a dog. It's going to be a bit more of a challenge than getting an apartment without Posey. But I've been really lucky in my housing searches so far, and I'm doing my homework, getting my references in order, and writing Posey's resume.
Intermediate training graduation last month.

Yes, you read that correctly. After scrolling through the SF SPCA website, I've modeled my dog's housing resume on their suggestions.

Chewing, her favorite pastime.
Necessary? Perhaps. Ridiculous? Maybe. But I'm pretty determined to keep us in a safe, comfortable living space. And who wouldn't want to rent to a sweet dog who likes kids, adults, and other dogs, and who wants to be an SFSPCA Wag Brigade volunteer?  

I've started the transfer discussion, and the big talk happens this week. If you've got some good thoughts hanging around, please send them my way.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Ready and waiting

In the 15 months I've lived here, I've applied for about half-a-dozen volunteer opportunities and a professional fellowship. I've been turned down for all of them. 

I'm stopped taking it personally (well, except for the org that didn't even bother to decline my application, yet added me to their mailing lists and hit me up for money.) On paper, I didn't fit their profiles. Bummer, but no big deal. 

My life is smaller here, and I've used those gaps of free time not taken by studying or volunteering like they were in SF to look very closely at the life I want to live.  

My first several months here were retreat-like in their solitude. I have a bigger circle now, but still a lot of time for reflection. 

It's brough about some interesting and exciting changes - daily yoga and mindfulness habits, piano lessons, and an impending college course among them. But I am feeling restless. I'm ready for more. 

For SFFD NERT certification, and volunteering with the SFSPCA. For social time and weekend hikes and visits to the beach. 

I'm ready to go home. I start talking to my boss next week about transferring in the fall. If you have any good juju lying around, please send it my way. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

A sign

The bus that runs between my house and my office was discontinued this week - a few days before the part of the rail system that serves my neighborhood and my office will be shut down for at least a month. 

I moved to this neighborhood because of its easy access to the bus. I'm pretty sure this is a sign from the universe to get back to bike commuting. And also to buy something like this. Because Posey needs to ride too!

Monday, June 27, 2016

For when I'm not really sure what to say

Posey really likes to go to the park, but sometimes all she does is sit next to me on the bench. It's a little odd, but adorable.

I have so much I want to say, but neither the time or the inclination to write lately. I really wish I had more time or less of a mental block, because I miss this space and my friends here. I'll be back.

Saturday, April 09, 2016

Just down the street.

My lease at the compound is up in May, and the rent increase (hello, building with no rent control!) is beyond my means. Or beyond the price I'm willing to pay for a place that's not too great. As it happens, my friend's roommate had to move out mid-lease just as I was deciding to move, so I'm moving on up. To the upstairs rooms in a townhouse.

Yes, with a roommate. For the first time since 2007. Right. But it's going to save me roughly $500 per month, and I won't have to share a bathroom. And it positions me well to have a great roommate reference when I move back to SF, because realistically, I won't be able to live on my own, at least not if I move before the end of the year (hopefully, because God I hate it here).

I haven't loved my time on the compound, but I'm so glad I've been here. The friends I've made have some days been my only social interaction. And it's been a really great place to have a puppy. But we'll be close by and we can visit often. I'll also be living closer to the dog park, and we can make puppy dates.

So after lots of long-term housing, I will likely end up moving three times in less than 20 months. This is definitely not the stability I was hoping for here. But it's all good.

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Ok, now just pause a minute and breathe

I struggled a lot when I first moved here. Panic attacks. Constant, suffocating anxiety. Overwhelmed beyond the point of tears on a daily basis. 

It took a few months and a few missteps to find a good therapist. Finding Joyce was a light in some dark times. She got me, and my situation, and she was full of wisdom and good advice. Talking to her relieved the burden. I really liked her and we were doing very good work. I'm so grateful I found her. Some of her wise words will stay with me forever.

Joyce died about a month ago. It was a sudden and unexpected event, possibly brought on by a diabetic crisis Two weeks went by before I found out. I'm devastated. I'm also really struggling again - I have been for the past couple of months. And now I've lost my only local support in this struggle. 

Her favorite advice to me was to breathe. Deep breaths, in and out. That's how we'd end every session. 

So I'm sitting here, breathing deeply, and doing daily yoga and meditation. And waiting for next week's appointments with a new therapist and the shrink who will administer some anti-anxiety meds. 

In the meantime, I'm trying not to lose my mind, and trying to mend my oft-broken heart. And trying to remember to breathe.