Gone Tailgating!

Tomorrow, I'm off to my first college football game. And my first tailgate. I'm so excited.

That's right. I'm 31 and I've never been to a football game that didn't involve my high school band. My college didn't have a serious sports program. We also lacked guys, which significantly cut down on any football possibilities. And my attempts to get to the Army-Navy game each December were repeatedly thwarted.

So tomorrow I'll be tailgating in the vicinity of Memorial Stadium, and then off to see Cal play Michigan State. If you're in the neighborhood, drop by for a drink.

Music and singing and laughter through the tears

It's hard to explain the importance of music in my life. It's impossible to put into words how much the people in (and associated with) my choir mean to me. We had our annual concert tonight. I didn't want to perform; my heart really hasn't been in it this year. It ended up being fantastic. Here's a brief* look:



*Photos are courtesy of Bella Cantare. The concert was an hour long. She took over 100 photos. I'm working on the photo essay The photo above is the whole group, shot from the center of the church looking down the aisle. We were standing in front of the altar. Yeah, it's a long aisle. If my dad ever gets to walk me down it, we'll probably have to do some track workouts first.

Here's the current gang minus our director and instrumentalists, who were off to the side.

Retreat on the Horizon

I had so much I wanted to write about this week, but I've run out of time, and all that will have to wait for next week. I'm going on retreat this weekend. I'll be spending the weekend at a retreat center with no phones! No radios! No alarm clocks! Yes, there will be about 50 other people there, but I very much need some solitude, and I will have scads of it.

This weekend can't come soon enough. The past few weeks have been rough, and the past few days have left me demoralized. But I think the next three days will be terrific. If only I didn't have to get through one last day at work first.

Staggered Breathing

I love my lungs. I love that I, through determination, persistence, and lots of huffing and puffing, have trained them to breathe after every fourth stroke; have trained them not to quit halfway up the hill between the bike path and my house; have trained them to hold the sustained notes until the end of the last measure (usually).

I work hard to keep my asthma under control so that I don't have to rely on horrible inhaled medications; medications that make my throat dry and my lungs burn and my heart race. I've battled this since long before I knew that the tightness in my chest at the end of a day at the pool wasn't something that happened to everyone. And I usually have the upper hand.

But today I was defeated by my workplace. Today, a contracting crew was in our new (not-yet-finished) office to insulate hundreds of feet of exposed pipes. The pipes were being covered in yellow insulation and then fitted with PVC piping. With each pipe that was cut to size and each piece of insulation fitted around a pipe, my ability to breathe diminished.

When I started coughing and sniffling the colleague in the next cube noticed. When the coughing turned to hacking I sent an email of complaint to my HR Director. When the hacking made me gag it was time to go home. My boss was in a meeting and unavailable, so I sent him an email explaining that I was allergic to the construction materials and had to leave before I stopped breathing. And I left. And it's now after 4 pm and I have yet to hear back from him. I asked him to find out when this part of the ongoing construction would be finished, because I can't go back to work until it's done.

I work for a medical center. I guess our mission of advancing health around the world doesn't include the workplace.

Caution: Good Times Ahead

Things have been a little heavy around the 'nation lately, but this weekend promises sunshine, friends, music, good times, and probably lots of my award-winning sangria. Sadly, Erica won't be able to join in on the fun. But I'm determined to have a good time anyway.

Chiropractic Class

About six weeks ago, I threw out my back. I wound up prone on the gym floor, and after a few rounds of painkillers and muscle relaxants, and lots of research, I found a chiropractor. I was a little skeptical of some of his philosophies, but since I couldn't stand up straight and had pulled my hips and pelvis out of alignment, I figured a few sessions wouldn't hurt. Well, they would probably hurt, but I'd feel better in the end, right?

My thrice-weekly sessions last about 15 minutes. He adjusts my back and neck after a little heat and massage, and then I leave. I still have bouts of significant muscle pain, but I think I may be getting a little better. And my hips have started to realign, which is great.

The one really odd hitch about this guy is that he requires a chiropractic orientation. An hour-long course that all of his patients are required to take. Every class so far has been at a time I've had another commitment. I've also been resistant to going because I'm not new to chiropractic care, I already do most of what I thought he'd recommend (stretching, exercise, icing and drinking lots of water), and he was insistent I bring a partner or friend.

Seeing as I'm single and live alone and anything he'd teach I would have to implement on myself, I declined. I also didn't want him trying to solicit business from anybody I might bring, so I went alone. Tonight. To chiropractic class.

And stepped into a room filled with the doctor and three sedentary-looking senior citizens. He gave an overview of his training and experience and then talked about stretching and exercises we could do to relieve pain and prevent further back problems. I already do them all, as well as a bunch of others I would have recommended, but this crew couldn't touch their toes, and I didn't want to hurt anybody. Then he mentioned how he knew I exercised "a little," and how the guy next to me did too.

Perhaps he and I have had a miscommunication. I walk, on average, six miles a day. I workout for at least an hour and a half at a time. I swim a half mile at least once or twice a week. I'm training for a 12K and have plans to walk a half marathon next year. I AM AN ENDURANCE ATHLETE. I didn't belong in a class with a woman who claimed to like yoga so much she did poses in her sleep, a lady who occasionally works out at Curves, and Al, who looked like he hadn't done anything physical since the Carter administration.

At that point, I felt I'd outlived my time there, and I was right. He taught some techniques I've been using since I was on the high school track team, and then he proceeded to launch into his sales pitch. He even offered a free exam to anybody we referred to him. He actually offered that we could leave him with the phone numbers of people who might benefit from the free consultation. I was actually referred to him by a friend, and I didn't get a free exam. I hope she's at least getting a few free appointments for sending me his way.

Powerful words

I had a really ugly encounter with an acquaintance last night. She's somebody I don't know well at all, and she said some very hurtful and off-the-wall things for reasons I can't explain. I only know that she attacked both myself and the music and worship community I love, her words were misdirected and mean, and they made me feel very bad.

I spent last night and most of the day today really out-of-sorts as a result of this encounter. A coworker even commented that I had sad eyes today. I probably did. I was really burdened by this encounter and the impact it could have on my friends and community. At the end of the day I took this to the leader of our group. I felt he needed to know about this in case she, or some third party, came to him telling tales. He needed to know the truth.

I finished the story - the details aren't worth rehashing, though I will point out that she approached me later in the evening to apologize - and got to the part about how I hoped if he heard from somebody that I'd been a bitch and told this girl she couldn't join our group, that he'd know me well enough to know differently.

He looked a little surprised, shook his head, and stared at me for a few seconds.

"You lead by example," he said, going on to explain how he knew that my response to this individual was in keeping with the expectations and ethics of our group. And he told me that he hoped I knew that I was a valued member of the group, and that my leadership by example and commitment to the others and the music played an important role in our choir.

I felt instantly less burdened. But I also realized that it's been a long time since somebody in an organized (as opposed to personal) setting had told me I was valued. Those are powerful words, and words I definitely needed to hear today.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,
There's now a plot launched by two of your friends to have us in the same place at the same time. It has yet to work, as my schedule and your desire to be mysterious, or your work schedule, or your choice to stay home while everyone else is out having a blast, have kept you away. And tonight you weren't there. When you were supposed to be; assured to be. Because there was good wine and good people and a terrific little party. Again I'd worked up my nerve to ask you out, and again you didn't appear. So I spent my time catching up with friends and meeting new people and having a great time, and you missed it. And it was totally your loss.

So there.

In frustration,
clairnation

Unspoken

I have some things to say. Things I know members of my family don't quite want to hear. Things I'm not sure even my closest friends could entirely understand. Things about the last few months that I'm only just starting to wrap my head around, hence my need to talk about them. But right now they remain unspoken.

I've been using words all my life; they never fail me. When conversation has been too difficult or painful, I easily turn to the written word. Sometimes it's much more comfortable. But I haven't been able to write about these things either. At least not publicly; not in any arena where I could get some feedback.

And I'm so frustrated by my silence.

I walk the line

I started this blog as a way to highlight some crazy experiences at a series of temporary jobs. Once I began a full time job, I'd intended to stop writing about work. Until recently, I'd been very careful to keep almost everything work related off of these pages. But lately I've gotten lazy.

That stops now. I've been treading on the wrong side of the fine line between being careful and being, well, I'm not sure what exactly, but something less than careful. Some significant personnel changes are underway, which will potentially change everything at my organization over the course of the next 18 months. They were just announced and have temporarily tossed things into chaos. The chaos will be fun to watch, and I've decided that I'm in for the long haul. I believe strongly in the mission of my organization, I've grown to like and respect many of my colleagues, and I really want more experience in my field before I consider any moves. I don't know that anybody I work with would mind my chronicling all our personnel issues and team trauma here, but I don't want to take a chance.

So I think the time has come to again severely limit the shop talk here. Unless something drastic happens. I have this fear that I'll show up some morning and everyone I like will have left. If that happens, you'll have all the details.

Motivation amid the mist

It's been really hard to get outside this week; it's cold and misty and the wind is fierce. But my training buddies forced me into two walks, which precipitated further walking, which resulted in my covering 11 miles in the past two days. And I feel fantastic!

Monday I walked because I was stressed, and Tuesday too. Wednesday was supposed to be a gym day, but I had some hangups with public transit and didn't get home in time. I made up for it with a 6-mile walk yesterday that included the intense hill of California St., and a nice jaunt through Japantown and Pacific Heights. Today I covered a mostly-flat 5 miles, spread out over early morning and early evening.

With a little over a month until my Yosemite trip, I'm trying to narrow down my trail options. Does anyone out there have a favorite trail that's easily accessed from the Valley floor? I'm also gearing up my hiking. I'm going back to Mt. Tamalpais tomorrow. I'm hoping for sunshine.

Three months forward

Saturday will mark three months since my grandmother died.

I thought I'd made some great strides in grieving and healing and moving forward, but the past few days have made me wonder if maybe I'm wrong. I think I'm not quite where I thought I was, and I've been a little surprised by that.

Don't misunderstand, I'm much better than even a few weeks ago. I no longer feel the need to shout "You don't understand, my grandma just died," when colleagues point out that I'm not quite myself, or in response to questions about why I look tired or seem irritable. I don't hurt quite so badly anymore. I don't think of her and about her death on a daily basis. I'm not so sad and angry and frustrated anymore.

At least not every day. But the past few have been really, really hard.

I thought I'd reached a milestone on Saturday. I was about to participate in an event so outrageously San Francisco, so unlike anything I'd have had the opportunity to do elsewhere, that I immediately thought of my grandmother. A lot of our phone conversations revolved around how the life I lived was so different from anything she'd ever experienced. She would have had a good laugh over this story, and she'd have said, "Clair, you lead such an exciting life." That was her comment to many of my unusual exploits.

I thought about her on Saturday, and how I'd tell her about my plans, and then I called my dad. I knew I could tell him I was calling him because I couldn't call grandma, but I also knew he needed a good laugh, and this story provided one.

But it just wasn't the same. And I didn't really feel any better. And that still makes me really sad.

So, about that pay cut rumor....

I've inquired with my boss about the pay cut, layoffs, and other drastic measures facing state employees. He thinks our system isn't involved in any of the budget crisis.

But we work for the state.

I've inquired with HR. They're trying to get clarification because they have no idea what the governor's executive order really means.

I've talked this up among my colleagues. Very few have read the newspaper, and most had no idea what I was talking about.

My office space has no heat, no hot water, and no soap dispensers in the bathrooms. If I resign, can they take my little salary and make improvements that will keep my colleagues from wrapping up in blankets and buying soap at Walgreens?

Finally! A return to the training logs

So much to say, and I'm way too tired to get into it all tonight. I'm finally really back to training - checking off the days on my calendar and everything. On Saturday I walked four beautiful, warm, sun-drenched miles in Pac Heights, then did a full gym workout and felt fabulous. The massage probably helped, as it left me pain-free for the first time in about six weeks. My full recovery is taking longer than I'd hoped, but I'm making progress.

On Sunday I walked a bit in between a stint as a volunteer at a San Francisco Marathon water stop. The invitation to do this was courtesy of my friend in the San Francisco Hash House Harriers. It's the only water stop along the course that also provides shot-sized beers to those who feel the need, and I had a blast. I'll try to track down some photos, because my words can't do this event justice. We had tables full of paper cups loaded with water and Cytomax and were handing them to runners along the course in Golden Gate Park. Most of the hashers were dressed in devil attire; we were tempting the runners. There was also a bar at which all the volunteers could eat bagels and make Bloody Mary's.

My friend wants me to join the Hash, but at the weekly runs/walks, they do a ton of drinking. I don't think this would be the best environment for me right now, so, while I've got an open invitation, I don't think I'll be taking her up on it anytime soon. I really hate that the right thing to do and the fun/social thing to do aren't the same thing in this instance.

Today, I logged over 13,000 steps. On my REST day. Now I need to stretch and get some sleep.

Resume revisited

As my work situation remains in a state of chaos and my job seems to be more about doing others' grunt work than anything substantial, I spent yet another weekend deep in thought, and have determined that it's time to start brushing up my resume.

Then I realized that the only electronic version of my resume was on my old computer. The one that was stolen during the great computer, camera, and keyboard liberation of January, 2008 (otherwise called "They Came in Through the Bathroom Window"). Luckily, I could log into the job search website through which I applied to my current job and pull a PDF version of this document. But I can't alter it, or cut and paste, so I'll have to start from scratch. And can't find the template I really liked in my new version of Word.

Is it silly to let this defeat me? I have a job description sitting on my desk, and I've mentally drafted a cover letter, but as I'm stalling on the resume, the email has yet to be sent. I'm dragging my feet because I really don't want to start a search. I really don't want to make a job change. I'm not entirely sure that I want to continue down my current career path, but don't really know what else is out there for me. But I also don't see that I can do much here to make my current situation better. Any suggestions on how to tell my boss he needs to be a better manager and leader, so that his employees aren't dumping their crap on me so that they can take three-hour liquid lunches? Any ideas on how to get my colleagues to treat each other respectfully and civilly in the workplace? Suggestions are GREATLY appreciated.