As hard as I try, there's not a rosy way to paint the last few weeks. They've been hard. Really, really hard. I'm trying to focus on the positive - the friends I've visited with, a few very small successes at work, new shoes, a few days of glorious sunshine, the race next week that I'm really excited about. But those positives don't balance out the hard as much as I'd like them to. In fact, I don't think I'm even breaking even. My trip to NY was hard. Cleaning out my mom's house was emotionally and physically brutal. And I came home really struggling.
My job is not going well. Whether that's a symptom of my bigger issues or just the construct of the job and my fit within the organization, I'm not sure. But I'm struggling. A lot. And I'm not really sure what to do about it.
And I'm sad about that, because I feel like I never really got a chance to make the job mine, or to at least figure out if it wasn't the right job for me. But I can't change those circumstances, so I'm trying to figure out how to work with them.
But like I said, things haven't all been bad. I've got a lot of people - professionals and friends - supporting me every step of the way, for which I'm extremely grateful. The professionals keep reinforcing that my current emotional turmoil is normal, and my friends make sure I'm getting out, and sometimes even having fun. But damn, I wish things were different right now. I'd like my old life back, please. I was really well suited to it, and really enjoying it. And I'm not having so much fun right now.
i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful...
11 hours ago