It's really nobody's business, right?

After a few uncomfortable evenings earlier this month, I realized that I'm having a bad reaction to booze. My heart rate spikes, my heart pounds furiously for hours, and I just don't feel well for a few days. After just one drink. This happened after my mono debacle, and for months I was forced to drink near-beer while waiting for my system to return to normal. It's probably an anxiety issue. I'm not particularly worried about it, since it's happened before. I have no doubt I'll be back to pints of Guinness soon, but in the meantime, I'll just have a Coke, thanks.

I didn't think much of this as I went about my social obligations last week. I certainly didn't think a public proclamation of my sober state was necessary. And then, after drinking water while out with friends on Thursday, things got weird. Somebody brought me the biggest plastic to-go cup of white wine I've ever seen. After I declined a drink.

I left the full glass on the table and ignored. Somebody else eventually drank it. I got a call on Friday. Was there a reason I wasn't drinking? Was everything ok? Did I have anything I wanted to tell anyone?

Whoa. I felt like that question was looking for two answers, and good God no, I'm not pregnant. And I'm not in recovery. And, quite honestly, I don't see why anybody really cares. Because if I'm not drinking, then there's more for everyone else, right? But, since this seems to bother some people, and I'm not going to talk about the issues that might be causing this problem when I'm out in public - especially with people I'm not very close to - I've compiled a witty list of possible reasons I'm not drinking:

• I lost my liver in a card game.

• I woke up drugged in an ice-filled bathtub to learn I was the victim of an urban legend.

• I donated my liver to my sister. She promises to give it back as soon as a better donor match comes through.

• I'm converting to (insert abstaining religion here).

• I'm banned from booze at this bar after a particularly ugly table dancing incident. But please, don't let me stop you from ordering that awesome beer.

• I'm on dialysis

But I think I need some reasons with more shock value. If you've got any, please pass them on.