"Did you know you can guarantee somebody's everlasting life if you enter their birthday into your calendar as a recurring event with no end date?" asked an acquaintance recently, after updating his calendar when he realized that he didn't have his mom's birthday in his calendar, and he'd missed it.
Clearly, I could have tried harder to keep my mom alive. I never put her birth date in my electronic calendar. I don't think I even wrote it into the paper one this year, since I'm unlikely to forget it.
Obviously, my new friend was joking. And I was briefly amused, after I was sad. I'm sad a lot these days. And feeling a little surrounded by people talking about their parents. Or their families. Or - God help me - their holiday plans. And I've lost count of the number of times I've told people not to be jealous of the Christmas trip I'm taking to Hawaii, because while I'm traveling bankrolled by my dead parents' life insurance policies, my friends will be spending time with their actual - living - parents. They win. In a big way.
I'd like to surround myself with other orphans so we can commiserate, but we seem to be in short supply these days, at least among the folks I know. So while I try to find the orphans club, my friends chatter un-thinkingly about their recent phone calls with their parents. And I remain silent. Waiting for the day this seemingly normal turn in a conversation doesn't hurt so damn much.
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
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I'm sorry you are sad. Damn, I know that feeling. It's a different sad than yours but I know. I know.
ReplyDeleteThat's the thing about grief, you don't just wake up one day and feel better. And I'm sick of all the "inspirational" tweets and crap that say "Choose to be happy!" Because if we could just choose to put of our happy pants, believe me, I'd buy an entire closet full. But we can choose to get out of bed (some days) and choose to leave the house (for a bit) and maybe, just maybe, eventually that will get easier. And maybe, someday down the road, we'll remember something and it will make us smile more than it makes us cry.
Maybe, right?
Exactly. Grief is grief, I don't think the nature of the loss matters much. But good God I am tired of it. Yeah, eventually it does get easier, and it's a process and I'm trying to respect it, but I'm so sick of waiting for eventually to get here. But I know it will get here. Someday.
ReplyDeleteI have Thanksgiving pants. I have painting pants and yoga pants and pants that make my ass look awesome. Perhaps we're just not shopping in the right store for the happy pants?
Last I checked the happy pants store closed due to the bad economy.
ReplyDeleteScM
The fucking economy ruins everything.
ReplyDeleteOh man, the holidays really suck. We're trying to do a consolation prize for a dead parent trip for Christmas too. It doesn't sound as fun if you tell people that phrase. It sounds more like what it is, a little bit of a morbid grief trip funded by your loss. Hang in there - you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Sending good thoughts to the two of you. I hope you make it someplace warm and sunny.
ReplyDelete