And then somebody threw me a life preserver

The Universe must not have had much to do last weekend. After writing this, and talking with friends about my options, and tossing around words like "leave of absence" and "resignation," I had the chance to talk with my group's vice president early Monday morning, at her request. We check in routinely, and when she stopped me to chat Monday, I knew I had a chance to ask some questions. To reiterate how much I'm struggling. And she agreed. She's heard from my boss and colleagues about my less-than-stellar performance lately, and she wanted to know what would make it better.

Synchronicity is awesome, isn't it?

We tossed around leave of absence scenarios and the possibility of the organization laying me off. We talked about how all leaves require a three month time limit, and don't provide any pay or benefits. We talked about cutting my job to part time, and how much more stressful that would make an already bad situation. We talked about changes she could make in her office, but how she has no control over my other office, and she didn't foresee any substantial change coming from that group. I agreed. She told me she thinks I'm very smart and exceptionally competent, which I very much appreciate as I feel pretty muddled and slow these days. She said repeatedly how sorry she is that circumstances converged in my life the way they did.

When we both talked our way around to my leaving permanently, I seized her offer to look into my permanent departure. And my options for leaving were the best of any other scenario. So I'm leaving the organization. With a departure agreement that very closely resembles a layoff. While I'm really sad this is the outcome, it's the absolutely best thing for me.

I'm exhausted and emotionally tapped out, and I can't meet the expectations of my job - which are exceptionally high under normal circumstances - and also deal with the rest of my life, which has a lot of added responsibility right now.

My departure became official today. I leave next Friday. And the weight I've been carrying on my shoulders for the past few months has just lessened considerably.

Struggling

As hard as I try, there's not a rosy way to paint the last few weeks. They've been hard. Really, really hard. I'm trying to focus on the positive - the friends I've visited with, a few very small successes at work, new shoes, a few days of glorious sunshine, the race next week that I'm really excited about. But those positives don't balance out the hard as much as I'd like them to. In fact, I don't think I'm even breaking even. My trip to NY was hard. Cleaning out my mom's house was emotionally and physically brutal. And I came home really struggling.

My job is not going well. Whether that's a symptom of my bigger issues or just the construct of the job and my fit within the organization, I'm not sure. But I'm struggling. A lot. And I'm not really sure what to do about it.

And I'm sad about that, because I feel like I never really got a chance to make the job mine, or to at least figure out if it wasn't the right job for me. But I can't change those circumstances, so I'm trying to figure out how to work with them.

But like I said, things haven't all been bad. I've got a lot of people - professionals and friends - supporting me every step of the way, for which I'm extremely grateful. The professionals keep reinforcing that my current emotional turmoil is normal, and my friends make sure I'm getting out, and sometimes even having fun. But damn, I wish things were different right now. I'd like my old life back, please. I was really well suited to it, and really enjoying it. And I'm not having so much fun right now.

On staying healthy

This weekend, I am, in no particular order: exhausted, bruised and battered, hung over, emotionally drained, and generally feeling gross. I feel like I've done nothing more than eat crappy food and drink a lot over the past few weeks, and I'm starting to feel the effects of my slide off the path of healthy living. And with a race on the horizon that I haven't been training for, and a generally busy month ahead, I need to get my act together.

I sat next to a guy on the plane on my way home from NY who said he eats really well for two months before traveling to NY. Having left stuffed full of pizza, cookies, deli sandwiches, chips, and soda, I understand his motivation. I feel disgusting, and I'm trying to transition back to my better eating habits without freaking out my carb- and sugar-craving system. The better-eating plan starts today, along with some training for the 10K I'm racing at the end of August. And I need to get some decent sleep.

August sounds like it shaping up to be a pretty boring month, but since I'm traveling back to NY over Labor Day weekend, and I generally get sick when I travel a lot, I need to get in gear now to stay healthy. I lost track of that a little in all the other things I've been focusing on lately, but if it took feeling lousy today to get me back on track, then I'm thankful for the reminder.

Life Lessons I could have lived without

My siblings and I spent the past week cleaning out our house. We went through decades of memories and threw out two trucks worth of crap. And it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, right behind planning my mom's funeral Mass and saying goodbye to my dad a few days before he died.

I'm covered in bruises and scrapes, I'm stiff and sore, and I am beyond exhausted. This was an incredibly emotional week. But we got way more accomplished than I'd hoped we could, and - in a dark humor sort of way - we had some fun along the way.

If we're friends on Facebook, you might have seen my daily updates of the treasures - or complete crap - we found during the big purge. I've got some friends who are going through the same thing right now, who could relate to the enormity of this project. Only all those friends are at least a decade older than I am. They had parents well into their 40s or 50s or 60s. Both of my parents died before my 34th birthday. Am I feeling a little resentful right now? Definitely. But I also recognize I've gained some wisdom over the past few years that most of my peers lack. Here's a list, in no particular order, of the things I shouldn't have had to learn recently, but I'm sure I'm a better person for knowing them.

1. I plan an awesome funeral liturgy. Seriously. If you ever need a funeral planned, call me.

2. Dying without a will is a Really. Bad. Idea. So make sure your affairs are in legitimate legal order, just in case. And make sure your family members' affairs are also squared away. It may seem morbid, but it'll take the strain off of everybody left behind.

3. Stuff is hard to part with, but harder to store. Pare down every once in awhile. And just because you have the space for storage doesn't mean you have to fill that space.

4. When people die, friends will offer to cook for you. Always say yes (well, except to cabbage). You can freeze leftovers or give food away, but it's terrific knowing you'll have food available if you're hungry.

5. Even if you're not hungry, eat something every few hours. And drink a lot of water.

6. Everybody grieves differently. What may make you uncomfortable is totally the right thing for somebody else. Give people around you the space for what they need to do.

7. Photos are valuable. Take care of them, and for the love of Pete, label them. Otherwise those photos of my great-grand something become just pretty pictures of strangers.

8. One day at a time is not just a philosophy for people in recovery.

9. Grieving is a transformative process. You'll lose friends along the way, but the ones who stick it out are pretty spectacular people. I'm very blessed to have some amazing people in my life.