The Universe must not have had much to do last weekend. After writing this, and talking with friends about my options, and tossing around words like "leave of absence" and "resignation," I had the chance to talk with my group's vice president early Monday morning, at her request. We check in routinely, and when she stopped me to chat Monday, I knew I had a chance to ask some questions. To reiterate how much I'm struggling. And she agreed. She's heard from my boss and colleagues about my less-than-stellar performance lately, and she wanted to know what would make it better.
Synchronicity is awesome, isn't it?
We tossed around leave of absence scenarios and the possibility of the organization laying me off. We talked about how all leaves require a three month time limit, and don't provide any pay or benefits. We talked about cutting my job to part time, and how much more stressful that would make an already bad situation. We talked about changes she could make in her office, but how she has no control over my other office, and she didn't foresee any substantial change coming from that group. I agreed. She told me she thinks I'm very smart and exceptionally competent, which I very much appreciate as I feel pretty muddled and slow these days. She said repeatedly how sorry she is that circumstances converged in my life the way they did.
When we both talked our way around to my leaving permanently, I seized her offer to look into my permanent departure. And my options for leaving were the best of any other scenario. So I'm leaving the organization. With a departure agreement that very closely resembles a layoff. While I'm really sad this is the outcome, it's the absolutely best thing for me.
I'm exhausted and emotionally tapped out, and I can't meet the expectations of my job - which are exceptionally high under normal circumstances - and also deal with the rest of my life, which has a lot of added responsibility right now.
My departure became official today. I leave next Friday. And the weight I've been carrying on my shoulders for the past few months has just lessened considerably.
Can I Be Fat and Happy?
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